Tuesday, September 17, 2002


The Damage Report: More Than Bruised, More Than Broken

There IS only so much I can take.

Everybody gets to breakpoint at least once. That point in your consciousness when you feel absolutely nothing but that eerie sensation of drowning underneath the darkest depths of pain. When all you want is to get, the hell, OUT. Now.

I have been in so much hurt of late that I feel like I can't take anything more in. But I guess my heart is so used to so much beating at once that it doesn't even care if I try to place too much baggage in my already-overflowing emotional suitcase.

This is the story of my life. I thought I had a heart big enough to take everything in.

I was wrong.

Today, Iji said she was going to talk to me about something. Lately, I've been trying very hard to avoid everythign that's been hurting me, her being one of them. It is, after all, only human nature to run away from damage. Isn't it?

I spent the whole day with Sam. The girl is an angel. I know I haven't been quite the best friend to her lately, but she takes me in anyway and I am much indebted, and thankful.

But I can never escape the inevitable. I did get to talk to Iji, just now, before I went home.

There is this thing about me being the most OFF in OFFbeat in high school. I have been said to be too extreme, too overreactive. I have been accused of stepping on others with my nose in the air and I have been accused of being overly apathetic. Which I all believe to be true, since these things have been haunting me for over five years over; except I don't do these things voluntarily, consciously.

It's like a subconscious reaction to things, I think it's how I grew up. See, my mom and dad separated when I was very little, and my brother and I were in a custody battle a long time. I think I began to grow hard, and tough, because there was no one else around to protect me and my brother from Life. But for all I know, this might be just an excuse for me to be able to have license to behave the way I do. All I do know is, I've been like this forever. It is, in essence, who I truly am.

Well, Iji told me I've been annoying a lot of people (in my block and in the folio) lately for being so offbeat, so radicalist, so leftist, and sometimes, she said, I hurt people when I become downright rude. She even told me that some of the staffers were jealous because I was always so loud and I was always getting noticed. (I never actually passed the folio, Alli... they told me they were getting me a test but it didn't push through. They said they're going to recruit this term, though...) I don't know if I have been in fact doing any of these things because I really have no idea. She also told me that sometimes I hurt even her and Maite.

Before I begin to defend myself, because I am by nature defensive of my territory, I think I should finish this story.

Iji said that someone had been assigned by these people who apparently hate me to talk to me about it. Hmm. I remember a scene in my third year that I believe I've blocked out of my mind until these events occur. Once I got a phone call at home from a girl who was urging me to shuck my identity because I was (repeat everything above). I don't remember what I said to that, only that I cried as I have never cried in my life and felt a knot in my chest that hindered my breathing.

When she finished, I asked her if that was all and I picked up my bag. Quite frankly, and even at the cost of being a bitch, I didn't want to hear anything more. I really didn't. I just wanted to get myself home because I wanted to cry.

I feel like my "friends" have betrayed me.

She pestered anyway, so I did talk, and all I remember that I said was "fucking shit" and "i don't care". It's my natural reaction to a lot of things that go my way. I curse foully and then I go apathetic. Apathy is such a nice thing, isn't it? Makes you hard to a lot of things. Makes you tough and strong and uncaring. I know this all sounds very bad, but I'll say it anyway, I'm a very apathetic person. I don't like to care about things I don't care about, things that don't include me, and people I have no connection to or people I don't like to connect with. Selective apathy. Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist.

I don't remember those things I said, but Iji did say "Pareha lang tayong nasaktan dito." (We both just got hurt from this.) I remember crying as I walked under the rain to get to Quirino from La Salle. I remember just wanting to be home and talk to Joy or Candy or anyone. I remember resent and pain and rebelliousness, and saying, over and over, "I am all right. I'll be all right. I won't change for anyone..."

I got home and talked to Joy. And as better as that made me feel I suppose I should be stating my reasons with a clear head now, and not because of so much pent up rage.

I AM pretty tired.

Where do I begin? By changing for people who barely know me?

It's not going to happen.

There's more to this post. Darn PC. Will repost later.


3:31 AM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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