Wednesday, September 11, 2002


I feel a little bit too broken.

Today's the first day of classes and I went up to the Malate office to find my friends and all go trolling to class together. The office was full, as it often is on lunch breaks and the like, and sitting right there, on the front bench, was Raven.

I know I haven't written anything about Raven lately. In that case go [here] and [here] so you know, and I continue my rambling.

So there he was. And he was sitting with Roc, so I feigned the happiest expression I could muster and and went on to hug Iji who was right beside him and Maite who was leaning across the big table. My heart was breaking.

I seem to recall a time when I used to exist without such feelings and now I'm all but useless.

I went off and stayed from a place far away from Roc and Raven. I could still see them from my perch beside the PC and thought that the best thing to do was go sit on the farther corner of the office with darling Chris and Boss Harris. (Darling Chris is a poetry nu staff and he's wonderful and gay, to boot, and Boss Harris is the current poetry editor of Malate.)

Chris then turned to me and filled me in on the latest, and his latest woe: his crush for over three months, JM, and his best friend, Cecile, the Office Manager of Malate, hasd gotten together recently and he didn't know how to react, as it hurt to watch the two, but Cecile was his friend.

I felt appropriately saddened by this, because I did, in fact, see JM and Cecile cuddling in the office directly in front of Chris and myself. And it hurt. It hurt to see couples sproutin everywhere I turn and it hurt to see the expression on darling Chris' face, and it hurt to see Raven and Roc. I was stifled. I felt weak. I leaned into Chris and shared my sadness.

Boss Harris, being Harris, noticed and began to talk to us about random stuff that made us laugh. I thank Harris so much for that, having enough compassion to see that we were going to the dogs and have enough strength to pick us up. The he asked us what was bothering us.

"Naghahanap ng paglalahad ang pag-ibig ko sa kanya," I said. (My love for him is looking to be let out: very rough translation)

Harris knows who I talk about. And Harris, in an attempt to cheer both of us up, said he'd read his poems for us. The line I said to him is actually a line from one of his poems, "Araw-Araw" (Everyday).

A crowd of people gathered around and Harris read off "Ilocos", a love poem he wrote while on the shores of Vigan. When he finished, darling Chris began to cry, and I wasn't sure if I could keep from crying, too. But I did. And I had to leave a couple of minutes later for my poligov class.

I don't remember a time when I felt pain so profound and yet so baseless, and misleading. But it is pain nonetheless, and I hate myself, and I hate the world for hurting me and all those I hold dear. Darling Chris' story is so sad. My story may not be as sad, but I feel it hurting me nevertheless.

I feel like I want to cry and I hate myself for wanting to cry because I have no right to, and I have no reason to, because if I do cry, it is because I have lost something that I have never acquired.

I am not even talking to Raven anymore. I don't even look at him. He doesn't look at me, why bother?

He doesn't reply to my SMS anymore.

I feel so hurt. I have lost a friend.

I feel so broken.

And unloved.






2:19 AM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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