Thursday, September 12, 2002
So Break My Heart, It's Over
I'm wearing black. Serious, solid black.
Yes, I think that's a good, good way to start off your day, don't you?
Went up to Malate (I DO swear. Given my current state I shouldn't go anywhere near five miles of that place.) to find Maite or Iji as I learned that the P.E. teacher-guy didn't show. I found Raven, Kat, Harris and a buncha other people. Chiqui was also there.
Chiqui is the prose editor of Malate. And she's really nice. I mean like way. So I went to her with the writing problem and she tried her very very best to answer only I never got the answers I was looking for.
Iji and Maite had come in.
Iji knows about my current state and I thank her, really, for everything she does for me. The thing is, I feel somewhat repelled by both of them now, like-- "We went MOS and YOU DIDN'T! You are SOOO not in". I know this may very well be construed as open paranoia but God. I feel repelled by so many people lately. It may be interesting to note that I'm the most people-person I know and these days all I crave is a good night's sleep without being awakened at dawn by stupid brothers or maids and a PC so I can go blog my heart out. Strange, is it not?
Let's see. My heart's been breaking every day of the week now. What broke Ekai's heart today?
1.) I was relating problems to Chiqui and Maite suddenly butts in with a "Why don't you just shut up?"
2.) Iji tells me to go jump off a flight of stairs. Not that I want to be bitchy but I went "And what good'll that do me? And how will that solve my problem?" I wish I hadn't, but the damage is done. I guess it's a little too much to crave for silence these days. In retrospect, that IS all I want. Anyway, since I was a bitch she bitched on me, too. *Sigh*. I didn't mean it but haven't I got a righ to bitch, too? She bitched on me last term. Lots of times.
3.) Raven still refuses to talk to me. Look at me, even. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
4.) I am a talentless freak. (Will go post more on this matter later)
Chiharu called last night only to say that I didn't suck, I never will, my work is not sickening, I am a great writer, and my friends may not be my friends after all. As much as I love the dulcets, everything they are repels me at the moment. I don't want to believe Joy, because the dulcets have been nothing but good to me since forever, but when they tell you to shut up, and your work is sickening, and tell you to commit suicide by falling off a flight of stairs, even in jest, it fucking hurts. A lot. Everything. I wish the peoples were here with me. But G's in Batangas. Candz is in Dasma. Yoj is in Diliman.
I feel so fucking alone.
It's not fair.
But so break my heart. It's broken anyway.
will you catch me when I fall? :: |
named Ekai Ungson
listen to the static
"Wonder" - Megan McCauley
"Everyone is Wrong" - The Donnas
"You and Me" - Lifehouse
"Blind" - Lifehouse
"Lonely No More" - Rob Thomas
"Akap" - Imago
"The Difference" - Matchbox Twenty
"Extraordinary" - Liz Phair