Wednesday, December 04, 2002


cutting class. algebra. blech.

i've been failing a lot of my classes this term. it's just not worth it anymore, paying as much as 35000 so i could slack off in style. i remember why i was so intent on coming here instead of to dasma, which is nearer and cheaper; i wanted the reputation of the university. i've been hearing lots of bad things being said about dasma-- i have to admit i've said some of them myself.

it's just that, given our current situation, i noticed that whenever i tell my mom it's almost tuition paying day, she always replies with a "oh, no. we don't have money yet." getting that almost most of the time kind of drills it inside you. i have three siblings, all studying in high-end schools (but that's my stepfather pays-- they're his kids after all). my mother tries to support everything i do, especially when i told her explicitly in the beginning of the year that i did NOT want to study nursing, that i WANTED to learn how to write. she was telling me to study nursing because it's very 'in-demand' and it'll get me a high-paying job, guaranteed. moms are like that. but i refused her, against much protestation, and off i went to study literature, her money in my pockets and her hopes riding on the belief that 'i knew what i was doing'.

i've been skiving off so much this term it actually got to me. of course, it should've gotten to me from the very beginning but that's me. i'm irresponsible. i keep felling guilty that i'm wasting time and money, but i've done it and i can't go back. my algebra's failing, my earth sciences are on the brink of despair, my englart is cluttered (i never paid much attention) and my anthropology went to the dogs. i'm failing four subjects this term. how very nice.

so when the enrolment form came today, i sent my mom SMS. "i want to go to dasma, mom".

i want to stop spending my mother's money on something that might not even get me a future. i want to stop skiving and have direction for a change. i need to. i came here because it had a name and a reputation. i came here because i didn't want to be looked down on. i came here on a whim, thinking to follow a dream.

sometimes dreams have to be sacrificed for something not what you want, but better, reality-wise.

i'm so sorry. i am just so sorry.


6:34 PM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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