Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Sucker for Pain
i distinctly remember back in high school, one of my friends told me the meaning for "masochist". i had an epiphany (which is sort of an in-joke-- having an epiphany means getting reborn or something to that effect, and anything new we learned, something mundane to most people but amazing to us because we were such special children, was an 'epiphany') at the time, finally learning something i'd been seeing in between the pages of my robbinson and sheldon books. yes, i read sheldon and robbinson-- but never had the chance to stomach steele, no matter how i tried.
and then i began understanding the concepts in 'sadomasochism' and 's & m', and in my head they all but conjured v. colorful images of women in leather corsettes holding up whips et al, like my sister, Urd, does in her chat channel, #tokyochat.
in any case, i never thought the terms would appeal to me.
let me take it back to the beginning.
i first started going to the computer shop just across the road some months ago, during my second term at taft, to print stuff out. being a literature major at the time meant tons of paperwork and other such madness, and with my printer at home out for the count, i had to print my research stuff somewhere else. i used to have it printed out at the local mall, which is a few blocks away but still a thoroughly exhausting walk through the local wet market. one day i didn't have the strength (or, was too lazy) to walk all that long way, i decided to change my routine and breach the barriers between me and the computer shop just across the road.
the reasons why i went for the farther mall instead of the little shop were pretty shallow. the place was most always filled to the bursting with males of all shapes and sizes playing the noisiest, most violent computer games of the time. i kind of felt intimidated, and for some reason, unsafe. i know what it's like to have scores of boys staring at you-- boys you don't know, and i have tendencies towards wanting to disappear or wanting the ground to swallow me up. it's not a fun feeling.
but that day i took my chances. and the chances i took gave me friends.
the owner of the little shop is a big guy named rei. he's a cool guy, he likes anime (mecha anime, of course) and has propensities towards j-pop that i'd usually find disturbing in men his age. one day while printing out a political science paper, he asked me for my name. i figure making alliances with otaku as beneficial for trading anime and cds and other such whatnot. i gave him my name: "kari", and put on my very best Sakura Kinomoto imitation, which is in most instances effective for winning people over. in that way i stayed until i got used to the shop, the shop got used to me, and i could surf without disturbance in the server PC away from the gamers. it is in that way i stay when i go to the shop, speaking schoolgirl japanese and being generally the definition of "cute".
i never expected for other people to take notice of the Sakura-type thing.
because one day, while i was walking home from the shop, this guy comes up to me and asks: "Hi. Pauwi ka na?" (Hi. Going home?)
given the absurdity of the situation (it's not every day that a guy comes up to you, ever so casually, and asks ever-so-casual questions like that), and the given darkness of the streets we were walking in, i didn't answer, but tried to get a good look at his face. it suddenly dawned on me that it was a guy from the computer shop, a friend of rei's, and one of the cutest guys (at least, to me) i'd seen in the area.
in that, my initial reaction was, "Hwaa..? He lives in my village?"
he repeated the question, which, in my dumbfounded shock, forgot to answer. i replied with a noncommittal "yeah" and so began the circus.
the village i live in isn't exactly a village. it's more like a straight road with houses on either side and a dead end in the end. (how redundant.) my house happens to be the last before the dead end hits. it turns out that his house is five blocks away from mine, meaning he reaches his house before i do, walking home. it's the house on the hill that i've always found pretty, and the people in it (his father, in particular), very nice to me.
i remember one day while the old guy in that pretty house (his father) was painting the second-story window-- i stopped for a moment, clad in a private school uniform and clutching books to my chest, much like a little girl, and hollered: "nice house!". the old guy replied with a "thanks", and ever since then, when i passed the house and he was out, he'd greet me hi and ask how i've been.
anyway. that one night DIDN'T change my life. sure, i got the whole "ohmigosh he walked me halfway home he talked to me i am so happy" bit (because i do kind of like the guy, but seeing as i didn't really know him). but at the time i was having issues at school regarding unrequited love and other such things that the boi didn't have much of an impact-- i'd been emotionally numb.
fast-forward. i got into a really big mess one fine monday long long ago and gotten myself drunk (among other things best classified as trouble). on a school day. i got sober on the way home and had enough strength to still go to rei's. and the boi was there. (he who shall now be referred to as K.)
he walked me home. yes, this time he went all the way to my house. i found it sweet at the time. then he asked for my number and i got to thinking that he K was a really nice guy.
everytime i went to rei's and he was there, he would walk me home. one night he invited me to his house and i got introduced to his family and we just talked for hours. it was strange but true. and i felt happy. happier than i'd ever been in those days where school had refused to be my sanctuary and the only place i could walk without wondering if i was stepping on anyone was home and rei's shop.
i kind of got the hint since the day he asked for my cell number but i got the full blast of it talking to him at the porch outside his house. because he was looking at me in the strangest way and i couldn't ignore it. i kept asking him about it, why he was looking at me like that, and everytime i brought it up he'd look away and change the topic.
i asked him if he had a girlfriend. he said no. (this will become important later.)
not yet complicated, no? but it gets worse...
i went out once, note, once, with K. and the date was a disaster. he and i got into one major fight that involved some V. Big issues.
the next day i left rei's earlier than usual. it was due to the fact that my wuberly mother had grounded me because i stayed out late that night i talked at length with K. K followed me out, though, apologizing for the fight. then, he did the most unexpected.
when we reached his house, he said he wanted to talk. i told him i had to go home. explicitly. the boi did not listen.
he pulled me into his house. i was scared to half death. i couldn't react. K was holding on to my shoulders with an almost hurtful force and i couldn't get out, couldn't escape.
he tried to talk to me. i feigned catatonia. he let me go, and i ran out of the pretty house straight on 'til i got inside the gates of mine. and i went to my room and called everybody i knew.
i can never deal with my problems alone. i can't because i feel i don't have the strength to make decisions of just my own volition. which is kind of funny because i take no one else's advice but mine. i figure hearing people tell me what to do somewhat lessens the weight of it on me.
and the pantheon was outraged. yukito-tachi was outraged. when i told alli about it she was outraged, too.
but in the spirit of all good things i let it pass. he hadn't done any damage to permanently hurt me.
K talked to me again. this time, on my turf. my house. and another blowout ensued.
K tells me that him and i are exactly the same. in some ways he's absolutely right. we're both hot-tempered and we panic over the smallest things. that's why we hate each other's guts so much, i think-- because we don't like getting fed with our own medicine.
i walked out on him that time. it seemed like the most logical thing to do. but then he called me out again. and this time he dropped one of the bigger bombshells of the turbulent period:
he had a girlfriend.
any normal girl would be naturally outraged but there was a hook and this was it: he told me, in somewhat uncertain terms, that he would be willing to give his girlfriend up if i told him to.
lemme divide the last part in bittier pieces.
willing to give his girlfriend up; if i told him to: this was scary. this was really, really scary. this was telling me to run like hell in the other direction because this was pulling me into something that i had no part in. i mean, for one, as Chelle put it, doesn't he know you're not supposed to go after one girl if you've got someone else already? and for two: why the heck did he have to use me as grounds for breaking up with someone he's already with for-- what, four months? it wasn't funny. and i was most certainly not going to be the one who'd have to deal somebody else's pain.
in short; if he had to break up with her, let it be done that i didn't have anything to do with it. i've known the boi for a week. and he's willing to give his girlfriend up? it's scary. and who's to say he won't do it to me? and. he lied from day one, too.
logically, very simple. throw human emotions in the mix and it gets a little complicated.
i know that i did the right thing. pushing him away like that earns me a place in heaven. or it should. but there's a difference in doing what is right and doing what you want. and what i wanted was K.
it's an obsessive, somewhat compulsive thing, and i know it's more than a little strange, and you're all free to bonk me on the head for it. i mean, given everything he's done, and i STILL like him, there's just got to be something wrong, right? which is why i'm telling you. because i don't understand it. i haven't understood for a long, long time and i think it's time i sought outside help other than that of the pantheon and oniichan charlie.
that was a monday night when he told me and i just tore myself up trying to get over it. sometimes i think i'm either very noble or very stupid, in which case i don't know which to hate about myself more.
K didn't show his face to me on tuesday.
wednesday night i got SMS from him asking if we could talk. (i hate that...) he went to my house and the first thing he asked me was "have you thought about things yet?"
everyone: WHAT THINGS?!
i told him, in no uncertain terms, that i a.) had nothing to think about, b.) this was NOT my problem, but his.
K and me. very alike. things like that which i'd said would push MY buttons if told to me. and it pushed his. which was the desired effect.
and then he told me that (deep breath) he had broken up with his girlfriend last monday (when we talked) and that he had gotten back with her just that afternoon.
everyone: *BLINK* o_O
okaaaaaaay. so i asked, "okay, and what do you want me to do about it?"
and he launched into this whole speech about still being willing to give her up for me and i went into a nasty tirade with words like "traitor" and "liar" making frequent appearances. the most damning sentence was "so it's going to be the two of us, then, is that it?"
he said that it wasn't and i yelled: "then what the hell is it?"
and he couldn't answer.
and then he said we should just be friends. and i told him fine.
you'd think it was over but you'd usually think again.
remember a while back i was talking about the word "masochist"? that's me. i'm a sucker for pain. i ask for what i can't have and want what's not mine. it hurts but i take it.
and on christmas eve i called him to make amends and he asked me to go to night mass with him.
it was crazy and insane and i know it was wrong, but i met it with bouncy giddiness i didn't understand, have never understood. and i went. i went to his house and gave him his present and i got into his car, his whole family was there, and was happy, for some obscure reason.
they call it dancing with the devil. an apt analogy.
the girl's name is princess. she's beautiful. she's smart. she's nice.
why do i know?
because that night i asked. simplest way of knowing. but not because i wanted to know, but because i wanted to not want what isn't mine. because pain is the world's biggest antithesis. because maybe if i heard it said a few more times i'd believe it, it'd hurt me, and i'd lose the lunacy forever.
the lunacy continued.
and one night in a fit of pent-up rage and anger and some other emotions spawned from trying to get them under control all at once i told K i loved him.
no, it doesn't stop there.
K told me that he broke up with that girl on the 29th. okay. okay. okay. and he told me that we were going to talk.... when we saw each other.
i never did. he and i were deluged with family reunion hype and january came 'round with still nada.
on the 9th i was at rei's again. when i left, K sent SMS that told me i was being snobbish and not to reply because his girlfriend would kill him. again.
i think it'd be needless to say that i detonated.
the lunacy continues.
just last week i gave K a set of anime cds. no reaction. he hasn't called about them.
i kind of hate how this mess has turned out, because of seriously wrong actions and reactions. i kind of liked the way he an i were before it all started to blow up in our faces. we were friends. and i kind of miss having friends because i'm not exactly surrounded by people lately. i miss harle and maite and carlos and magsy, and anton and chiara and paolo, and now that i don't have school i don't have them.
i kind of hate how this happened to me because i am so damnably stupid.
it's kind of gotten better since i began writing this entry. for the past weeks i can never get enough sleep and the mere thought of food sickens me, therefore reducing me to starvation. it's gotten better now. maybe just writing all this down, releasing it somewhere and not clogging my heart with it, was the solution.
chiharu told me something true some time ago.
she told me that i had too many insecurities, and that i felt that i had no right to be loved. in that sense, every boy who flatters me becomes my knight in shining armor.
and she told me that maybe i should love myself not because other people do, but because i owe it to me.
and she's right.
will you catch me when I fall? :: |
named Ekai Ungson
listen to the static
"Wonder" - Megan McCauley
"Everyone is Wrong" - The Donnas
"You and Me" - Lifehouse
"Blind" - Lifehouse
"Lonely No More" - Rob Thomas
"Akap" - Imago
"The Difference" - Matchbox Twenty
"Extraordinary" - Liz Phair