Sunday, February 16, 2003


Wednesday, February 12th
Oh, You Have Got to Be Kidding

i've been writing a lot about K over the past few days i've been blogging. i've written about K and his cousin (that who Bell-'nee calls "Bastardicht number two"). I've written about K's brother (someone who will now be known in my blog as J). This entry is about all of these men, and how they have all proceeded in breaking my heart and in the process messing up my life until it is nothing but irrecognizable pieces of broken glass.

I have told the K story time and again and I don't need to write it all down again. K's cousin tried to get with me by asking me for a relationship in a fit of drunkenness and admitting that he loved me under alcoholic influence. Then he proceeded in telling me that should I agree to a relationship with him, I would have to keep it away from K at all possible cost. I flat-out refused. End of story.

J, however, is an entirely different vignette. The anonymous phone call story, right? Anyway, from there--

For the past few days J has been acting very strange. It's hard to explain, but I have this intuition thing-- something in my heart that warns me beforehand that a guy likes me THAT way and is about to spill the beans within a week. I had the feeling with K, had the feeling when the cousin sent me SMS around 12mn. I have been feeling the vibe off J since the time he called me. And I have to say that I didn't like it.

J has a girlfriend. A pregnant girlfriend, living in the same house with him and his family. So given that, I pushed the thought away. I HAD to be wrong. Right?

Wrong. I WAS right. Just a while ago J sent me SMS and told me that he loved me. Told me he loved me long before K ever did. But since he had a girlfriend and K began liking me, he backed off.

I wish he stayed that way.

I hate complicating matters. I like overdramatizing things because I'm generally histrionic but complicated matters that came as is are a little too much for me to deal with.

I told J to get off my case. I told him that I didn't believe a word he said because it's not the first time someone from his bloodline has told me that and lied about it. He reacted, saying he wasn't K, that he hated K for treating me like trash.

I wish he'd thought about that a little more, and maybe give some mulling over to the fact that I felt like trash now. I hate feeling as if I'm trampling on other people, as if I'm wrecking something just by existing. I know I have no fault in this matter, Urd having told me time and again, but.

J and K are exactly the same like that. Exactly. They both want what isn't theirs and they both don't care who gets hurt in the process. They both say sorry without meaning it at all. They both tell half-truths and never answer a straight question. They're both incredibly stupid if they think I'll fall for the same joke twice.


There's something subliminally wrong with that family. rei told me once that messing with K's clan was bad news as they all had reputations on the womanizing department. I'd just like to make it entirely clear that I didn't come on to any of these men. They went to me.

Anyway. K, J, and their cousin, M. There has to be something subliminally wrong with them, or-- me, for this to happen in nothing short of five months. I asked oniichan Charlie what he thought, if maybe I was being a little too kind, a little too genki, and he told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Maybe I'm being too sweet. Or too nice and naive. I don't know, really. Or maybe I'm flirting with these guys and not consciously realizing it.

But then Charlie-niichan told me it was just the way I was. And he saw nothing wrong with me being me because if I wasn't, the pantheon, my sisters, and he wouldn't love me at all.

So if it's not me, it's got to be them. Maybe it's genetic. (I'm sorry, that was really bad..)

I know it's a bad joke: but sometimes I wish I had selective loveability. Maybe if I did I wouldn't be in such big messes.

Anyway. After J confessed, I called Sentaro. I didn't say any more than three words to him when he realized something was very wrong with me. Just hearing the concern over the phone line, I felt better, even if I was sniffling and my eyes hurt. I told him I'd talk to him soon, when he got back from his trip. And then I hung up.

And then I went back to my room and cried my eyes out.

If Sentaro were around, he'd tell me I didn't need to cry over this-- I had no fault in this, it doesn't deserve a crying-over. And then he'd make me laugh, which he usually does well. That's the thing about Sentaro, he can never make me cry because he's too busy making me laugh to even think it over.

I told J to lay off me. To go love his girlfriend and his would-be kid. I felt better.

But it doesn't change the fact that he's scarred me for life, the way his brother has, the way his cousin has. It doesn't change the fact that I will never be able to treat anyone from his family in a normal way again. It doesn't change the fact that I will never be able to trust any one of them again. It doesn't change the fact that I feel lousy because by merely existing I had managed to almost-wreck another relationship. It does not change the fact that I feel guilty for nothing at all except being myself.

I hate this feeling. It swallows me up.

I hope they never, ever show themselves to me again.

I don't think I'd be able to take that.


7:16 PM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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