Friday, April 25, 2003
in order to survive: i will do what i must
too fast, they say, she walks too fast for her own good, as if she is running away from something, or someone, and oh, there she goes, she almost falls down, but she keeps walking, her eyes to the ground as if the world were too bright for her to look up into.
she hears those voices, and she hears voices in her head, singing to her, nonsense melodies that were not designed to make sense, gibberish that only tell her to walk, to keep walking, and to the world, she's not walking; she' half-running, stumbling every now and then, right hand clutching bag strap, left wrist in a bandage, for the second time this year, for the second time this year, sing-song voices that echo in the dark. the world does not see the tears in her eyes for they do not fall to her cheek, they do not see the wounds on her knees, testaments to "trying to ride a bike", they do not see the long white lines on her wrists, on her arms, on the rest of her body.
antisocial, they say, she has her own world, when she's sitting in her room with the pink walls, sitting on the wood floor, writing letters to herself because the world doesn't get them. girlish scipt battered into her by schools, in little letters so the rest of reality won't see they've taken it away once, they won't take it away again, they've taken it away once, they won't take it away again and won't steal her worlds.
she hears those voices, keeps them in her heart, "i'll be better, mama, i promise i'll be better, won't you stay tonight?" and don't leave her alone with the kitchen knives, goddammit JR! yung anak mo pagsabihan mo nga-- walang modo! "talaga, mama, i'll be good..."
and they lock her in the room with the pink walls and the wood floor and the posters of people smiling at her smiling at her and she punches the wall and there is no blood.
clingy, they say, she's too clingy for her own good, she doesn't know what to do, she's absolutely useless by herself, she's so damn needy, she's eighteen for chrissakes! she overanalyzes, she thinks too much, and then she cries so much, she cries so much
but do they see her?
and the singsong voices in her mind tell her to just be herself, just be herself, everything will be okay! for certain, everything will be fine as long as we sing to you, as long as we sing when you're alone, you're okay, kai, you're really okay. you don't need them. you can get by. you always have. see? sakura smiles at you, they fall at your feet when you walk by, see the world can go turn as long as we sing, as long as we sing
change, they tell her, she needs to change, needs to get rid of all that clutter. kai, throw away your notebooks, kai, throw away your neediness, kai, throw away your junk
"but mama, those junk are my memories."
kai, you're so fake!
"but mama, those are my memories."
kai, ano ba? umayos ka nga.
"but nothing, erika. you go to your room right now."
stop expecting me to be something i'm not, do you hear me, world? stop expecting me to be what you want me to be! shut the hell up!
it hurts you? it hurts you that i'm turning into something you don't recognize? i'm not turning into anything! i'm just what i am. maybe i'm too many things at once. maybe i am horrible.
i don't know anything? stop locking me in and i WILL know things! i lock MYSELF in? so excuse me for living my life in such a way that i don't want to get hurt! so sue me for trying to preserve myself. selfish? so selfish it is.
i'm going to stop blaming the world now.
i'm going to start blaming myself now.
because that's selfless, right? THAT'S selfless.
and i don't need any of you.
i don't need anything from you. nine years i have lived with nothing from you or from anyone. nine years more will i live in such a way that i will never need anything from anyone. think what you will of me. do as you please with me.
all of you. forget i exist.
from this day.
will you catch me when I fall? :: |
named Ekai Ungson
listen to the static
"Wonder" - Megan McCauley
"Everyone is Wrong" - The Donnas
"You and Me" - Lifehouse
"Blind" - Lifehouse
"Lonely No More" - Rob Thomas
"Akap" - Imago
"The Difference" - Matchbox Twenty
"Extraordinary" - Liz Phair