Wednesday, May 21, 2003


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I think I get it, now.

At the very least, I'm getting something. I don't wanna be called a fair-weather friend, but seriously, this IS getting more and more ridiculous by the day.

Today I'm going to tell you guys exactly what I think. This had to be coming some time. It has been coming for a long, long time. I can be hated, or at the very least resented for this, but you were the ones who told me to stop shutting up so much.

Okay.

We have fun, guys. We have loads and loads of fun when we're together. That much I won't deny. It is in fact one of the bigger reasons why I stay here, with you. I love you all and you all know that I would die for each and every one of you.

Which is, in effect, what I have been doing.

I have been killing myself.

I only now realize that being with you all hurts. It hurts in ways I cannot explain. It hurts in little bursts, sometimes, and sometimes it hurts in the "bludgeon-me-with-a-sharp-spatula" way. It hurts everywhere. It hurts in my head and in my heart and it hurts every single inch of my body. Like little needles piercing my skin. Everywhere. Everytime. But since, in the same way I am happy when I'm with you, I have kept an obscure sense of hope that maybe if I immerse myself in this a little more the pain will go away.

Miscalculation on my part, of course. Getting deeper in this circle has produced more wounds for me than wonders. I don't remember having this much pain to deal with in my entire life.

I know you guys never intended to hurt me, but you do. You do.

I don't know if it's me or it's you. Maybe it's both. I know for a fact that in this circle of friends I have never felt so alienated. I know you all try so hard to make me fit in the jigsaw. I know you all try so hard to get me into this.

It's just not working, is it?

Why? I wouldn't know. It could be as shallow as the mere fact that I'm not an LOTR fangirl. (I'm sorry. Hindi ko talaga makita yung fascination...) It could be a lot deeper than that. But when you guys are around, I feel like I'm disappearing. I feel like I get more and more transparent by the minute until it gets to a point where none of you see me anymore.

Case in point: My birthday thing at Soul Food, Greenbelt.

More cases in point: Every other Wednesday meeting at McDo or anywhere else.

I lose myself when I'm with you. I know you never intended to do that, but it's happening.

Which is quite possibly why I never go to the Wednesday stuff when I can help it. Parang, ano'ng silbi ko dun. Hindi naman nila ako kailangan. You guys will ramble on about LOTR and its many handsome stars and Wicca and everything else. And me? I shut up in a corner, take hold of a random sketchpad and doodle my heart out until it's time to go home. Tama, Ekai. Laki ng silbi mo dun.

Sa totoo lang, guys? Feeling ko kailangan lang ninyo ako kapag may problema kayo. Saka n'yo lang ako nakikita. Saka lang ako biglang nabubuhay. Sa totoo lang, hindi naman problema sa akin iyon. Ano pa nga ba ang silbi ko, di ba, kundi taga-salo sa inyo? Ginagawa ko naman 'to dahil mahal ko kayo. Hindi n'yo naman ako pinipilit manatili dito, di ba? Mahal ko kayo. Kaya kahit ako na'ng umiyak, kahit ako na'ng madapa o mahagip ng bala, kahit ako na'ng masaktan, 'tang ina. Yun lang naman ang magagawa ko para sa inyo. Kahit na ba sabihin ninyo sa'kin na hindi n'yo kailangang ako ang sumalo ng sakit ninyo. Kahit ba sabihin ninyo sa akin na buhayin ko'ng buhay ko. Mga friends. Kayo na ang buhay ko. Hindi ko na matatanggal iyan sa dugo ko.

Paranoid? Maybe. Correct me if I'm wrong. I want to be dead wrong. I wish I was dead wrong. But this is it and this is how I feel. This is it.

And I shut up about all of this because I don't want to lose any of you. I have made a very serious promise to myself that I will never lose anyone again.

You guys make me happy in the most superlative ways. But the happiness isn't enough now. You guys are not just my friends. You are my family. My life. And so I can take the pain in that exact sense. Whatever joy I can grasp out of this is enough.

Are you guys confused yet?

The point is-- there is no point. I don't know what I want. Being around you gives me a sense of joy that extends to a security that just-might-be false; at the same time being around you guys hurts more than anything else in the entire world. Which therefore defeats the whole purpose. I don't know what to do or where to go. The easiest answer would be right back to Tokyo.

But when I was there I was sad, too. So that screws me either way. Now if any of you can somehow tell me what the hell is exactly wrong with me, I will love you (if I don't already) forever. Because I'm stumped. I'm stumped and I have no idea. And I don't get it.

Gusto kong mawala na ayokong mawala.

Gusto kong umalis na ayoko.

Ako nga ba ang may problema?


I think the question is, if I walk away now, will you guys still be there when I come back?

And I move this somewhat sordid post to social pluggage. [Hover over your names, please. This whole thing took 40 minutes to make, so I guess, 'Mee love, that it DOES take that much time to acknowledge people. Heh.]

Belldandy. Urd. Melina. Isis. Charlie-'niichan. Flip.






11:32 PM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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