Saturday, May 31, 2003


Just Some Rather Minor, and Yet Massive, Retro-bloggage

It's nice to see the sun out again, even if it's just for a few minutes, since it rains pretty damn hard again afterward. Well, I asked for a piece of blue sky and there it is, even if it has to be replaced by gray clouds later.

Finally out of the hospital. Dad says my lungs have become exceedingly weak and yeah-- I could actually feel that. It's like I need twice the effort to breathe normally. It's not life-threatening-- I don't like thinking of it that way, but hey, maybe I'll forget to breathe in my sleep and then die a quiet death.

At least I won't die by drowning.

That's funny, me actually talking and writing about dying and the stuff that concern it-- I find that I never really have gone into all the teenage angst episodes about wanting to die and wondering how it feels and writing incessantly about it. Possibly because none of my family have died, not anyone close to me anyway, that I really haven't felt the full impact of it, and using death as a plot device is so... deus ex machina. It's so eighties.

I'm being depressing, aren't I?

My biological clock has officially whacked out on me. Before I could wake up by eight am and have no problems, the past two weeks have made me wake up at eleven-thirty in the morning, and I miss all the nice morning cartoons. What's the point of being on vacation when I can't even catch once-a-week episodes of Digimon 02? Ah, woe is me.

Maybe it's because I can find nothing worthy of waking up anymore. A few months back I woke at eight for the express purpose of doing all my chores before "Amigos X Siempre" hits. The things I do for Martin Ricca. It's kind of stupid waking up at eight and the skies are gray, it's raining, and there's nothing good on TV. (Well, it's not like I don't wake up at eleven and the skies are gray, it's raining and there's STILL nothing good on TV)

Dah.

It's almost school time and I'm itching to go back, to actually find myself a newer purpose for living (I know! I know! I've ran through at least fifteen purposes of living. I'm eighteen, young and beautiful and confused so don't blame me!). Because, seriously, there has to be something better than this. I can't even fic anymore. I haven't the imagination. All that my imagination can sprout are pointless vignettes of unrequited love-- something I find I've exhausted all possibilities out of. My journal is a mess, and it barely makes any sense. (I try to make sense on the blog, though-- other people read this after all)

-n minutes later-

Oh, there you go, then. The skies have gone gray again. It'll be raining in a while. The wind's pretty strong. Storm's pretty strong, I heard it's headed for Japan. I only hope Yuu-kun and everyone be okay.

Yuusuke. I miss him. He can make a day like this fun just by sitting around playing FFX-2 with me. Something about him that calms me down, sitting next to him and watching him obliterate virtual ass. Feels right, somehow.

I find that in my life nothing feels right anymore.

The last time I smiled so much and laughed so hard and squealed as normally as any other normal girl would was when I saw the HPCoS cast on Oprah. Dan Radcliffe~. And RupertandEmmatheirwubissohateful~. I have bits of that same feeling when I watch Meteor Garden, the 5-minute show with 25-minute commercials. Nobody minds (I don't suppose they would. At least ABS is giving us something).

That guy who plays Dao Ming Shi has kind eyes. (How DO you spell his name?) After watching that video of theirs about fifteen times I should know. He has kind eyes. I wonder if I had anyone with kind eyes.

... Not really.

And, yeah, "Shaman King". YohandAnna'sloveissohateful. Literally. Half the time Anna looks like she hates Yoh's guts. And she looks so sad. That's a girl after my own heart-- hateful and sad and fiercely loyal, at the same time. You don't find girls like that anywhere. I should be more like her-- and besides, that red bandanna of hers is WICKED.

And I leave you now with my new life philosophy, something lifted shamelessly off "Draco Sinister". I find that I love edgyhumor!Draco. Especially when he makes sense.

But think how much worse it would be if life was fair, and all the awful things that happened to us happened because we actually deserve them. I for one take great comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe.

See? I told you he made loads of sense.


1:59 AM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




this girl
named Ekai Ungson
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listen to the static
"Wonder" - Megan McCauley
"Everyone is Wrong" - The Donnas
"You and Me" - Lifehouse
"Blind" - Lifehouse
"Lonely No More" - Rob Thomas
"Akap" - Imago
"The Difference" - Matchbox Twenty
"Extraordinary" - Liz Phair


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