Thursday, May 15, 2003
Ladies and gentlemen: my father
My whole family is out and about again, leaving me at home with only the maid and... well, my wuberly troubleshooting skillz. See, PC at home has a bit of a problem with the modem and since my fingers are itching to work with the wires (I'm weird...), I set to work.
What I didn't expect was my (step)father driving back and -almost- finding me fiddling with his stuff.
My (step)dad has this complex that makes him get mad when anybody touches any of his things may it be as mundane as pirated CDs or as important as his latest technical gadgets, including stuff he's cast off-- meaning, my PC. Case: for a year he told me that my modem was grounded an cannot be used lest I wanted to set the whole phone line on fire. I found out recently that this was totally untrue.
Which is why I never take his word on the stuff he claims to be broken. Because he lies about them just so I won't use them. My father, ladies and gentlemen.
I shouldn't complain. This is a guy who still takes me in his house and lets me live off him because my real father has disowned me and doesn't even remember my birthday. Doesn't even acknowledge my presence.
And I don't want to complain. My stepfather is great. Even if sometimes he makes me feel like I'm so unworthy, and even if I'm the one he always blames when his stuff goes wonky or the phone bill's astronomical. Even if I'd rather hide in my room than talk to him because he's so cold. Sabit lang ako dito. Wala akong karapatan.
I remember now why in high school I was so desperate for a dad-figure. So desperate in fact that I took Lance for a dad (and Lance acts younger than I do). I've never really had one. Ever. Or even if I did, I don't remember.
This sucks. It sucks that he doesn't trust me and it's my fault because I'm too wonky. It sucks that when he looks at me he sees a disappointment. It sucks that I want to be so much for him and not being able to because I'm stupid and I break all sorts of rules.
I want, so much, for him to be proud of me. But because I'm a ditz and I'm an idiot he can't even trust me.
This really sucks.
will you catch me when I fall? :: |
named Ekai Ungson
listen to the static
"Wonder" - Megan McCauley
"Everyone is Wrong" - The Donnas
"You and Me" - Lifehouse
"Blind" - Lifehouse
"Lonely No More" - Rob Thomas
"Akap" - Imago
"The Difference" - Matchbox Twenty
"Extraordinary" - Liz Phair