Thursday, May 15, 2003


Retro bloggage numero uno:
Love is a game... and I bet I win

You. *hugs*

Unlike my uberrespectable sister, I tend to not hold my tongue when it comes to matters of the single life and how it blows. Guess it comes with the age thing.

Well, I'm growing up and although that doesn't necessarily connote a bad thing, it means that I'm running out of time, too. I look back at the life I've led and think to myself, have I exhausted all possibilities of teenage infatuation?

I wasted the best years of my young life (okay, so I'm emotionally twelve. Technically, I've just gone legal, okay?) on a guy who, in retrospect, was never even worth the time or the effort I put into it. I'm eighteen now and with the age comes the urgency to find true love. Yes, jaded I may be, I still believe in that crap. Possibly because I have Belldandy for a sister. Or, possibly because I'm just a dreaner, myself.

Older people always tell me that they have stopped searching for love (or never looked to begin with, like her *pointed look*) and are looking for simple stability. Companionship. I find that kind of existence lonely, in a way, because I still believe that there's someone for everybody out there, and because they've ceased searching, they will never get to find each other.

My friends always tell me that I shouldn't look for love, I should let it look for me. The funny thing is, some of my other friends tell me that if you stand idly by waiting for love to get hold of you, chances are you'll never get it. Love takes effort, they say.

And so, where does an underage goddess like me stand, then? You know, I'm smart but I'm not that good. And the whole world, much as I know of it, is still too big for me to see every aspect of. I think every person has that inability to learn everything. God wouldn't have permitted such omnipotent knowledge.

But I digress.

I think I've gone into every avenue of infatuation known to man. I've fallen for the most popular boy in school, the quiet artist, the brooding biker, the nerd, the anime addict. I've fallen for the guy in the computer shop, my friend's brother[s] (haux haux), my best friend, my third-degree cousin. The older guy, the younger guy, the guy across the street. Men have walked in and out of my life, have hurt and have healed me. Have cleaned and have stained me. Have marked me and left me.

No true love here.

So what the hell _is_ it? Should I go look for it? Should I stay here and wait for it? Or do I try the ultimate move: do I renounce it (and just when I do, it comes knocking on my door with coffee and flowers)? I'm looking out at the world and it's such a big place.

Is he out there, somewhere?

Is he even looking for me?

Or is he waiting for me to go look for him?

I watched "Kate & Leopold" again. What if the love of my life is in another century altogether?

Does anyone have an answer?

And if they do, do they mind telling me about it?

I feel a little bit lost, now. Like I don't know what to do, or where to go. I don't want to look back when I'm forty and say, "I missed that chance because I was too forward/too backward". I don't want to be reduced to someone who will settle for anybody stable as long as I have someone to hold. I don't want to be old and gray and alone. I can take the old, possibly the gray, but not the alone. Isn't this life hell enough? I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to be like that, ever.

I want to find my own Syaoran. I want to be just like Sakura, who dreamt and dared and ran after what she wanted. I want to love like that, and be loved like that, and to know that no matter what I do, no matter how many hijinks I go into, and no matter how clingy|independent|confusing I get, I will be loved, no matter what.

I can sit here and think, "someday". Or I can run out of here and look for Prince Charming, who probably is lost because Tokyo is so wonky.

What I really, really want, is to not make any mistakes.

No matter what.


11:01 PM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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