Tuesday, October 28, 2003


All The Things I Cannot Yet Imagine To Say

I think I just had the weirdest conversation yet with my boyfriend last night.

It involved trust issues, and the fact that no, I can't trust him. It involved a string of conversation so short yet so immensely painful.

It involved Reni crying.

Reni: Do you believe me when I say I don't love Pamiloza anymore?
Me: Say it.
Him: I don't love Pamiloza anymore.
Me: .... No.

Him: Do you still love Nate?
Me: Yes.

Him: What am I supposed to do for you to believe what I say?
Me: It's not you.

Complete and utter silence followed, and then the boy promptly burst into tears, and I am left contemplating what I hold to be true with a nagging, gnawing desire to change what I value yet again to protect his smile.

But, shit, really...

Because until now he still hasn't broken up with Pamiloza, and we've been on for two months. I admit I did practically steal the guy from behind another girl, and I'm not proud of it, and I'm not washing my hands when I say that those things only work when the person stolen actually WANTED to be stolen, but that's what it is. I've been gallivanting about with him behind Pamiloza's back for two fucking months, and I don't like it anymore. I know we have trouble enough without me being nitpicky, but this is just me, and I am getting HURT by my mom and fighting with my mom and doing all sorts of shit because I am fighting for a guy who doesn't even have the gumption to tell his girlfriend it's over.

I don't like being second best. I think that's Urd's genes in me.

I can do anything for a man who will fight for me. But as Kui says, a man who has no balls is a man that can never hold me.

On another note, I seem to be saying "it doesn't make sense anymore" a lot these days.

And I told Kui that a lot of things just ceased to make sense when he wasn't around.

I remember exactly why I hold Kui above all other men, why it is to Kui I compare every other man I come across--

because my brother is perfect.



7:42 PM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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