Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Take a Break
At the moment I am reassessing my life. I'm not sure how you do that in front of a rental PC, but I am, or at least I'm trying damn hard.
My head is splitting. I woke up at 430 am today to haul myself to school. Catch: I have no classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Reni's notes were with me and I wanted him to have them by morning. Also, so I could spend more time with him because yesterday's fight made me want to take some action. Guilty conscience, I suppose, or something. In any case, I'm taking a big risk, too-- the note I made for my mom begging for "allowance" today was replied to with an ominous "Just make sure you have class. I'll contact the gudance counselor just to see".
I got to school at 630 am, as Reni's class begins around 7.
Catch: Reni got to school at 10am.
I feel like bludegoning something very soft with something very hard. I feel like wanting to beat the crap out of him. He was late because he overslept, I s'pose: last night he and Tom and Rai went off to a go-see in a modeling agency.
It doesn't give him reason to miss class. He misses class enough already. He got a "failure due to absences" last term. I'm looking not to get that again.
But sometimes I feel so taken for granted because I feel like I'm the only one working to save his ass, not to mention keeping mine safe from other evil forces. I have problems enough balancing my studies and my overbearing mother (example shown above). I'm trying to get good grades so I can get rich quick and move the hell out.
I'm doing this for Ren. Kind of stupid doing something, though, when the person you're doing it for doesn't seem any remotely interested.
So, life reassessment.
I guess the pervading question is: IS THIS ALL WORTH IT?
'Cos I feel like quitting, at least for a little while. I'm tired and I'm torn, and all Ren and I do every other day is fight. I mean, what the hell. I could have broken when my mom was throwing hard, solid things at me, bruising me and hurting me, yelling insults at me and my friends, but I didn't. I thought I was fighting for something real.
The reality I'm feeling now looks so damned bleak.
I'm looking at old journal entries... every journal I've owned the past years...
I know I've always been an angsty kid.
But I sounded so much happier.
Song of the Day:
by The All-American Rejects
She screams when i'm away
She's been gone before.
I worry all the time, why worry anymore
Now I go away
Now I know, today
I picked out your star
Turned night to day
A simple whisper from your voice
And I fade away
You wish for love
You pushed me away
Your love for me was everything I need
The air I breathe
she, now she's all alone
Her eyes they drown in tears
Their love was meant to last
But she is blind with fear
Now I go, away
Now I know, today
Leave me be
Now I'm free
Love reflecting everything
You want space
I need you to help me see this through
will you catch me when I fall? :: |
named Ekai Ungson
listen to the static
"Wonder" - Megan McCauley
"Everyone is Wrong" - The Donnas
"You and Me" - Lifehouse
"Blind" - Lifehouse
"Lonely No More" - Rob Thomas
"Akap" - Imago
"The Difference" - Matchbox Twenty
"Extraordinary" - Liz Phair