Saturday, May 21, 2005


how much can a girl take, i've asked myself (and flist) here, time and again. mostly, it was school issues, and things about my ex.

well, history seems to want to repeat itself-- said ex wants to, again, drop out of school. also, move out of his parents' house and find a job. he told me when he fetched me yesterday from my condo, over mcflurry and strawberry float. i raised an eyebrow and felt an overwhelming sense of deja vu. no, come on. really?

asked where he was going to live if he did move out. he said he'd look for an apartment. asked where he was going to get money for said apartment.

where else? he was gonna use the money his aunt was sending him for next semester's tuition.

*headdesk*

no, i can laugh about it now. it's one of the most idiotic, harebrained, stupid, foolish, imbecilic ideas i have ever heard. i asked him, in Tagalog, what he'd do for work, being a college dropout. (sorry, it's funnier in Flipino)

me: ano'ng kukunin mong trabaho? ibebenta mo'ng katawan mo? buti kung may bumili!

him: *glare*

me: *what? look*

godBEdamn it. i mean, really-- how small is his brain? he says he doesn't want to study nursing anymore (who does? i sure don't-- but i'm still here [and my family doesn't NEED money, at that!]). he says it's too hard for him (too hard? ni wala pa nga siyang clinical duty nyan! wala pang RLE! wala pang community exposure! quitter! gago!). he says that he hates it when his parents pick on him all the time (excuse me, but, in fairness, you don't really have a good track record as far as your parents are concerned, baka. you really haven't done anything to make them proud of you since you graduated high school [a year late, might i add]). he says he'll give them money to help with the expenses (yeah, fat lot of good that'll do, bonehead-- exactly how much money, as a college dropout, would you be able to make in a week, a month? how will that help your family? look around you before you start dreaming about that culinary arts thing you've been dying to do-- your family isn't swimming in money, pal. one could say that you're in dire straits, and in this country, too. i don't know where you GET this trash. if you drop out-- AGAIN-- your parents will have nothing. expecially when Ate Jaja-- your primary source of money-- gets married this year or the next. your family will have nothing but disappointment, from Yen [who i love and cherish to death but, well, he dropped out, too] and you, who can't seem to do something so unbearably simple as keeping it together).

ang puso, ang puso.

fuuuuuuuuckfuckfuck. seriously. this guy needs a leash and a cage.

there's always time to chase after my dreams, i keep thinking. there's always time to do what i really want-- to write. there'e always somewhere i can learn that from-- from Tin-sama, Sakura-'neesama, Chelle-'neesama, and all the others. there's always time for that when i've got everything i would have want of in my world. and the only way i see to get those things i want is to keep at this nursing course and get really, really lucky. him, he doesn't seem to GET that. he just wants to be happy now. (and funnily? i heard all these things from someone else already, someone who doesn't even know him-- Sakura-'neesama)

he's so selfish, only thinking about what would make HIM happy, what would make HIM content. he's not thinking about his mother, who i pity so much right now. he's not thinking about the future-- the real future, not just a year or two later. he can't see that far, but i can. the ground he's walking now is unstable as it is-- if he drops out again, it's one more wrong that WON'T make anything right, for a long time. if he drops out again, his parents will disown him, and he would deserve it, the foolish cad. he's their only hope. i wish i could count on Yen, who i really, really do love and hold in high regard, but Yen's got a bad, if not worse, track record than Regi. as far as responsibility goes, Regi scores, if he's not being stupid. Yen has a tendency to be flighty. *sad*

i did NOT work so long and hard to put him back on track just so he'd muck it up all over again.

dammit.

if he drops out again, i swear to God, he is going to lose what little respect i have left for him. which is funny, i think, because that probably wouldn't matter a whit to him.

THIS is exactly how much a girl can take, ladies and gentlemen.

THIS is MY limit.

i'm just so sad right now.


4:52 AM
will you catch me when I fall? :: |




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